All at sea

It's been 8 whole days since mum died, I hate that word died it's so harsh and final. I feel overwhelmed at times during my day with feelings of oh fuck she's gone and I really want to talk to her and hug her. 

I cannot believe how all encompassing this is and how utterly shite and isolating grief can be. I feel mostly very alone in my sadness, which of course I am because only I know how I am feeling. 

I have fantastic friends and a wonderful husband for support and I am so grateful for that however, amongst all that love is a humungous gaping hole where my mums love used to be. Nothing really comes close to a mothers love I don't think. 

I didn't always have a great relationship with mum, there were times we didn't speak but I always knew she was still there, the separation I feel now gives me an ache that I can't resolve with a phone call or a hug. 

I feel completely out at sea little ole me lost on a wave somewhere I can't reach mum. 

Little Signs

Before mum died, before we knew for sure she was dying. ( I knew somewhere I just knew) I asked her would she come back to visit and how would I know it was her. 

I asked her for a dove as they are fairly common and I'd always feel she was about, but mum had other ideas and told me she would send me a kingfisher. I was a little indignant as they're so elusive how was I meant to 'come across' one of those? 

I needn't have worried, the day after her passing my lovely yet sceptical husband came upstairs to show me his Facebook feed. There, three separate people had each posted one picture of a kingfisher. Three in total, one for my dad my brother and one for me. 

The following day the same thing happened, I went for a walk somewhere mum used to love and on the information board at the beginning of the walk was a picture of a kingfisher. 

Feathers have begun to appear randomly, two that stick in my mind was driving home from the hospital shortly after her death and through my sobs calling out 
"where are you mum?" a tiny white feather floated down and landed on my dashboard. It was a bittersweet moment had I made it up imagined it? No I don't believe I did. 

Another feather appeared on my husbands knee yesterday whilst we were at the funeral directors. I know she's around and these signs although bonkers and completely unbelievable to some give me something to smile about when I really really don't feel like smiling. 

I can't believe she's left me

The first few days following mums passing are a bit of a blur, there is so much to organise I suppose auto pilot kicks in and you just get on with things that need to be done. 

Registering her death was hard, seeing her name on a pale green piece of paper with the very large bold title 'DEATH' came as a bit of a shock to me. The information needed seems so clinical and uncaring. This is my mum! she was far more than name, date of birth occupation and cause of death. 

I've had awful moments of 'she's left me' and moments of 'oh mum where are you?' the tears sneak up on me and the physical pain seems so hard to bear. Some moments have completely taken my breath away. So this is grief, I am not sure we will ever be friends. 

Death of mum

February 1st was a horrible grey rainy day and I sat beside my mum in her hospital bed listening to her breathing. 

Three rapid breaths in and each exhale that followed sounded like a wounded animal, it was at times unbearable to hear. This was my mum the vibrant, hilarious, beautiful woman I had the pleasure of calling mum. No longer responsive just barely breathing. 

She inhaled for the last time around 15:44 and, as I cradled her head in my hands her lungs expelled the last of the air, she still looked like mum just a very grey and peaceful version. 

I stroked her hair and placed the palm of her still warm hand to my cheek to 'imprint' that feeling. I felt an incredible sense of sadness and I howled, followed shortly after by a true Victorian style pearl clutching sobbing. 

It's hard to explain to someone how you feel in these moments of grief, even those who have experienced death will understand but I don't feel you can ever really know anothers pain as it is so personal to the individual. 

So that was it there she was gone...